It’s not either or. It’s not really even a comparison. It’s more of a perspective. And as with any perspective, it’s just from one angle. From another angle one often finds an entirely different perspective. Read accordingly.
What do we value about conversation?
The answer depends on the surrounding circumstances. What we expect from a business conversation is entirely different than what we want from a conversation with a close friend. And both of those are different than what we get from a sidewalk chat with a perfect stranger. They are all perfectly good conversations given the right circumstance, but imagine getting them mixed up. What would your boss think if you approached him the same way you would a rambunctious 3 year old? Or how would a girl respond to her boyfriends Monday night football dude-banter…being used on her?
You see it all comes down to circumstantial appropriateness. Like most guys, I enjoy my fair share of “dude-banter”, but all my conversations can’t be that way. Great conversationalists know when to transition from one type of conversation to the next. They are masters at reading people, always gauging the effectiveness of the current method and ever aware of shifting personal and circumstantial dynamics.
With just over 17 years of marriage I’ve learned to approach sex in much the same way. And just to make sure my perspective wasn’t too lop-sided I ran this idea past Karrie just for balance. In the early days we both had very different expectations for sex. For me, every night was the Super-Bowl.
Game day, leave it all on the field, take no prisoners, forgo the formalities and WIN!
In retrospect, it was pretty much a one-sided game – not much reading the other person, not much circumstantial appropriateness. And typical of the gender differences, Karrie was almost the polar opposite. You can imagine the relational friction – and NOT the kind between the sheets. Thankfully, those days faded, and with all the bumps and bruises we transitioned onto a more realistic playing field.
In the end (or at least 17 years in), it is balance that has served us best. Here’s how I would say it: Some conversations are deep and almost spiritual – so is sex…sometimes. Some conversations are rowdy and playful – so is sex…sometimes. Some conversations are detailed and highly technical – so is sex…sometimes. Some conversations are casual small talk – so is sex…sometimes. Some conversations happen in an elevator…anyway, you get my point.
So for those new to the marriage game (and this is strictly a “married only” game), or those experiencing the wrong kind of friction, give this a toss between you and your spouse, especially if you find yourselves on opposite teams. It’s not rocket science and probably not revolutionary, but new perspective often leads to breakthrough. Don’t hold too tightly to your preferred method of “conversation”. The benefits of compromise far outweigh the sacrifices.
Now chatter away!